Douche Bag Interview

READ ME: Everything you are about to read is completely true. No answers have been altered for your viewing pleasure. This dude's for real.

The DB Interview

While at UGA this past weekend we spotted a couple dudes outside of a bar and accosted one of them. His name? Cooper Yates... the 3rd. He actually said that, there was an actual pause for dramatic effect. We told Cooper that we were working for a new school newspaper and wanted to do a "Bachelor Interview" for the Singles section of the paper. He obliged, excited at the chance to be known by thousands of single women. We bought Cooper a pitcher "on the paper" and grabbed a table.

WARNING: After reading this interview you may severely dislike some of your closest friends, favorite bars or school. Certain nouns have been altered to avoid legality issues.

Cody Rotten: So let's start with your name.

Cooper Yates III: I was named after my great grandfather Cooper Benjamin Yates, world-renouned railroad construction tycoon.

CR: Wow, some grandpa you got there. (Bazz chimes in: "Mine was a custodian at the world-renouned New York Public Library for 35 years." Cooper shoots an icy glare at Bazz.) So Mr. Yates, do you go to school here at UGA?

CY3: Fucking right I do. Wait, can I say fuck in the paper?

CR: Not really, it's cool though. So what kind of degree are you trying to leave with?

CY3: Well, if I ever get out of here, (laughs) I'll probably be sporting a business management degree. That way I can take over my father's land development company in South Georgia.

CR: Got it all lined up huh? Sounds like your life has been pretty tough Coop. Can I call you Coop?

CY3: You bet you can! That's what all my brothers call me.

CR: So are you involved in any sports or extracurricular activities?

CY3: I've been known to hit the links, but on Thursday evenings you'll almost always find me playing intramural Ultimate Bee.

CR: Like some kind of spelling bee?

CY3: Hah. Like some kind of frisbee.

CR: Oh, right. Anything else you're involved in that you want the ladies to know about?

CY3: I'm an avid fantasy football player. Since '02 -- (smirks) I'm nationally ranked. I'm also the treasurer of my fraternity Alpha....

CR: Whoa Coop! We'll get to the good stuff later. So how do you get around campus?

CY3: I drive a '99 Wrangler with a 3" super lift on 33" A/T's. When it's not covered in mud it's Royal Blue.

CR: A/T's?

CY3: All terrains man.

CR: Oh my B. What type of chicks do you scope?

CY3: Scope?

CR: What kind of women do you look for dude? (At this point, just know that Coop had already slammed one pitcher and ordered two more. One for us of course.)

CY3: (laughing) Depends on how many beers I've had! But seriously, tall, blonde, tan and it's always a plus if they're in a sorority.

CR: So you said earlier you're the treasurer of the SGA or something?

CY3: What? No chief, I said I'm the damn treasurer of the Alpha Blank Blank fraternity. Sorry man, it just means a lot to me. You can edit that out right?

CR: Don't worry buddy we'll clean this thing up. So, what made you join?

CY3: Well my dad was a brother, and so was his dad. So I was pretty much a shoo-in.

CR: What would you tell a non-frat member about the lifestyle?

CY3: First of all, we don't buy our friends. It's about the brotherhood, and if you're not involved then you could never understand.

CR: Sounds serious. So what kind of music are you into Cooper?

CY3: I like it all, really. You know, Dave, Widespread Panic, O.A.R., Allman Bros and maybe some 50 Cent when we party.

CR: Pretty widespread selection huh? (starts to answer but stutters as we cut him off) So let's say you have a hot date, what are you wearing?

CY3: That's easy. My nice polo, maybe some slacks if she's really hot, the Sperry's of course and my Dawgs hat for good luck.

CR: Classy. So where can the ladies find you on the weekends?

CY3: Normally, at the house on the strip or during the summer we'll road trip it to the lake house. Unless my father has clients using it.

CR: The house on the strip?

CY3: The fraternity house, or the strip of bars here in Athens. Come on, man. (looks at us like we're idiots)

CR: What are you drinking on a Friday night Coop?

CY3: Whatever's in the keg. Or if we're at a bar it's whatever the special is.

CR: Cool. Got any tattoos or piercings?

CY3: No, but I've been thinking about getting the letters on my ankle. One of my brothers, Austin, got his last week and it looks pretty good.

CR: Alright Coop, what's the craziest thing you've ever witnessed at a party?

CY3: Witnessed or partook in? 'Cause one time, I did pull off a 28 second keg stand. (Sensing Coop's weakness, Bazz chimes in again and calls BS on the claim. After being called out Coop admits that, "Maybe it wasn't really that long, but it sure as hell felt like it.")

CR: Outta control man! (His Douchobiphidus was already starting to infect us.) So Coop to finish it off, what are you looking to get out of college?

CY3: In a few years.

CR: What? No man, what are you looking to get out of college? You know, other than a degree. Feeling a little tipsy huh Coop?

CY3: You drink three pitchers and stay cool asshole.

CR: At ease Coop! We're just yankin' your chain.

CY3: Oh. Haha. (Followed abruptly by an awkward silence.)

CR: Alright I guess that about wraps it up. Anything you want to say to the ladies?

CY3: I was raised to respect women and I know how to have a good time.

CR: Cool man, well we're out of here, thanks for your time Cooper. Keep in eye out in the paper ok? (Meanwhile, Bazz gives me the signal and says he has to get something out of the car.)

CY3: Don't you guys need my information or something? How are the ladies gonna find me?

CR: Don't worry bro I'll get it when I get back from the can.

CY3: Hurry back I want to introduce you to some of the brothers!

CR: You got it, be right back man!

This is where I changed my flight pattern and headed toward the door. Bazz already had the car started and I jumped in, fucking Coop with the bill. (Did I forget to mention that Bazz slammed six shots of Jager throughout the course of the interview? He had to keep his cool.) We sped off into the night.

NOTE: We may have left Coop with the tab, but he left us with a shattered sense of self respect. It's just hard to deal with these people.