Douche Bag Spotting

So many people use the description "Douche Bag" openly and throw the word around so often that we sometimes forget it's true meaning. I'm about to set some things straight, so that you'll know once and for all who can and who can't be called a Douche Bag. For those who don't know, this word is synonymous with "tool".

Here are some common physical characteristics of a Douche Bag:
(Before reading, please note that this does not go out to anyone in particular. Many of you probably fit the bill, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're a douche bag, just that you wear a DB's uniform. Get my drift? I have plenty of friends who violate this look policy and I myself have been known to infringe upon it.)

In no particular order -

* UGA or other college hat with a super curved bill that is torn and tattered on the front. Usually dirty, maybe even with a fishhook in it. Sometimes worn backwards but never cocked to the side. Mostly, it rests gently on top of the shaggy hair, almost acting as a beacon to signify social classification.

* Polo shirt, usually pink or striped. Generally it is not form fitting, so the shirt will be a tad bit loose. More than likely Polo brand, sometimes IZOD. Rarely Lacoste.

* Khaki shorts, usually an index card above the knee. Sometimes more. They may be white as well, be aware of both. Cargo shorts have been known to ride the waists of Douches, but not as often.

* Deck shoes with no socks. Any style, any color. Unless you're on a fucking yacht, these should not be on your feet.

* Worn out tennis shoes. Probably New Balance or Nike, no or low socks.

* Shaggy hair, it flips out on the sides. Some of the high class Douche Bags will "toss" it to the side if it gets in their eyes. They will not use their hands when this takes place.

* A watch, probably silver adorning either wrist.

* A "Live Strong" bracelet. More for style than to support the cause.

* Drives a Jeep Wrangler, Trail Rated. Haha, nah it doesn't matter if it's T.R. or not, that just sounds funny. But seriously, they will be driving a Jeep or a Ford Explorer.

* Usually tattoos aren't very common. If they are, it is of a fraternity that the Douche Bag is a member of. Or, in other cases where the person is more of a tool than a DB, the tattoo will be "Tribal."

Let's move on to mental aspects and personality traits;

* The musical choices don't vary too much. The favorites are usually jam bands or classic rock, but on occasion a random rap song will emerge. They mostly include Phish, Dave Matthews, Pearl Jam, O.A.R., Grateful Dead, Stone Temple Pilots, Creed, Jack Johnson. Basically anything that sounds good when drinking or hitting a water bong.

* Douche Bags are particularly cocky, whether they show it or not. This is emphasized by the "tossing" of the hair, joking loudly with their friends, being ass holes to girls for fun (which I can't blame them for) and their intense love for a certain school or university. Some who have not even attended the school, will still jump on the band wagon and slap a sticker on their Jeep's window.

* They are big fans of football and of "keggers." Anyone who uses the word "kegger" is automatically a Douche Bag. Even if they are black.

* DB's are the guys who will mean mug another male when entering the room with their girlfriend. This is a security issue and even though they are cocky, feelings of threat come from seeing other guys near their hog. Now scientists still aren't sure, but it is believed that this feeling comes from a chemical imbalance in the brain known as, douchobiphidus. Note: Girlfriend is usually blonde, maybe an extra 15 to 20 pounds around the midsection, tan, loves to party, probably attends UGA.

* They are usually funny guys, which makes them a blast to be around. Douche Bags are quite likeable, which is why many of you reading this are probably checking off a few friends who fall into six or more of the above listings.

* Lastly, they will brag about how much they can drink or how many awesome keggers they have attended. These are the guys who will tell the same party story six or seven times the next day. Sometimes more than once to the same person.

After further studies we have discovered more symptoms to look out for:

* They will brag about having their parent's Black American Express card. Often carrying it around openly telling people about it or sliding it across the counter to a cashier making it obviously visible to everyone in the store. This is also a good way to get killed and or raped for the card.

* Wearing "Oakley" style sun glasses. Hey, it's not 1994, you're not Barry Bonds -- take those to Goodwill.

* Wearing sunglasses indoors, like at the mall. Take it easy bro, you're not Corey Hart, nor are you a vampire. You're just a Douche Bag, your eyes will be fine without the shades.

* More about sunglasses: if a guy is wearing sunglasses using one of those "neck holsters" he's been a Douche Bag since birth. That shit is aesthetically intolerable. I don't care if you're fucking skydiving. If your sunglasses are going to fall off because you're doing something that requires movement, then leave them off. You can hit the volleyball just fine without them. That's just fucking horrible, just horrible.

If one of your buddies is becoming a huge Douche Bag and it's not too late, get some people together and have an intervention. More teens lose friends to fraternities than to drugs.