Learn how to drive.

Learn how to fucking drive. Please.

I'm gonna just go ahead and check off a list of things that give me vicious
road rage. If I don't get it off my chest here, I might shoot someone in the chest
out there.

Here goes:

•       Do the speed limit, or ride with someone who does the speed limit. I can't stress this enough people, if you can't handle the mind-numbing speed of 45 mph then you should probably be in bed somewhere. There are a few exceptions of course, one of these is senior citizens. Otherwise known as, old people, or village elders. I feel bad whenever I encounter these motorists because I usually release several swear words only to get next to them and realize it's Father Time and his wife Mother Earth.  However; if someone is going under the speed limit, and they are not geezerly, they should have their license thrown into a trash compactor. Going too slow is just as dangerous as going too fast because other drivers have to change what they are doing either go around you, or slow down upon approaching you.

•      Do not tailgate people who don't deserve it. Unless there's a woman giving birth in your front seat, don't tailgate someone who's going the speed limit or above it. Every time some dick smack 16 year old gets on my ass when I'm already going 10 over, I reach for my gun. Tailgating is totally acceptable for ambulances or other emergency vehicles. Which leads to my next point...

•      If you see an ambulance zooming up behind you, pull the fuck over because someone's life is at stake. This is common knowledge, if you're driving down the highway and you hear or see an ambulance coming up from the rear you're supposed to pull off to the right. If you can't pull off to the right just pull off wherever you can, the emergency lane on the left side is fine. If you live in a country with backwards roads then well... you get the point. If it were my decision, people failing to pull over for ambulances, fire trucks, cop cars, etc. would be beaten in public. Then, they would be put in an ambulance and it would have to drive their selfish asses to the hospital in rush-hour traffic.

•      You are not Paul Walker in The Fast and the Furious. If there's one thing that I laugh at while driving, it's stupid rice burners. Remember before Y2K? It was okay then if you wanted to buy a Honda Civic and throw a sweet exhaust on it. It's 2007 now, it's time to buy a normal car, or ride the bus. I think the only people still tricking their cars out are Mexicans, because their culture is at least 20 years behind ours. I also think '81 Datsuns with stickers on the back of them that say "Rodriguez" in Olde English font puts Mexican women in heat, which is why I just bought one. The most upsetting part about this import crisis is that some people really are still buying these cars, and thinking that adding on all kinds of shit is going to make them look better. If you have a WRX, Supra or a Skyline -- it's not as bad. This shows that you at least had a
choice between what you have and a normal car. But the poor kid that slaps a body kit on his hand-me-down '89 Accord is only doing this because he feels like it won't look as bad... the opposite is actually true. If these cars would just be left alone, the way they came from the factory and just cleaned up, they would look much more respectable. That way, you're saying, "Yeah that's my 89' Accord. I clean it everyday and it's got 450,000 miles. You can S my D." and it makes you look more confident and up to date.

•       Illegal Immigrants, if you can't read the road signs then get the hell off the road. I try to keep this website from becoming political, but sometimes you just have to lay the law down and tell the damn truth. I'm gonna make this short. If you are here legally you should speak fluent English, or be well on your way to doing so. If you're here illegally, odds are you don't give a shit because you only know enough to point out if your paycheck is wrong. Well guess what muchacho? You need to at least learn the road signs, and basic traffic laws. Because when you slam into someone guess who has to pay for it? That's right, the person WITH insurance. Which isn't you. Now I know that's a lot to ask, to learn what "yield" means, and "stop"... but I think it would be in everyone's best interest if you gave it a shot. There are too many accidents
where law-obiding legal American citizens get injured or killed and it's by an ILLEGAL CRIMINAL who doesn't know how to drive and shouldn't be here in the first place. Pull the fuck into a DMV and ask a gringo for some tips before you drive your conversion van 74 mph through a school zone. Wait.. FUCK you can't read this.

•       Putting the flag of your country on your car is great. Want to go back? By now everyone thinks that I'm a racist asshole. But, I'm going to say one more thing anyway because it involves cars, which is our basic theme today. Why would you ever put a "Boricua Pride" sticker on your car? Or, a fly a Mexican flag from your car? Do you know where you are? NOT there. Understand? There's probably a reason for that, and it's not because you wanted to go sight-seeing.

       Basically, here's how I would sum it up in a conversation:

      Me: "I see you have a Boricua Pride sticker."

Puerto Rican: "Yes."

Me: "Did you like it there?"

Puerto Rican: "No. Why would I be here?"

I think you get the point. If I were from a 3rd world country that was so unbearable that I had to leave, I wouldn't go to the 1st world country and flaunt the fact that I was proud to come from the 3rd world country. What exactly are you proud of? The fact that you got out?
How about getting an American flag sticker, you live here now -- that's something to be proud of. Get comfortable, thanks to the fuck faces in Washington you're not going anywhere.

•      Use your damn blinker. That's what it's there for. "Man, see that lane over there? I'm gonna snake my way into it between those two 18 Wheelers without using my turn signal." Yeah good call moron. There's nothing worse than some dick holder slamming on their brakes right in front of you and turning without warning. "Buuuuuttt Cody you shouldn't be tailgating!" You don't have to be. The idiots who don't use their turn signals are the same ones that take several hours to complete the turn. Pull yourself together.

•      DO NOT let some bloodsucking cheater cut you off when you've been waiting in the slow lane, and they've crept up next to you with their blinker on giving you that "I just drank piss and I need to get over please" face. If you are one of the pussies that lets these people over, then shame on you. The next time you go to drive somewhere think otherwise. The roads are much better without a bunch of pushover yuppies taking up space. I will steal someone's virginity the next time I see this happen.

•      Oh look, you're stuck in the middle of the intersection again. You know, if a cop gives you a ticket for being stuck in an intersection when the light changes, you can lose your insurance. To me, it just doesn't seem worth it. As for telling when the light is going to change, you don't have to pull out the Tarot cards, just play it safe. If it's been green for a while, maybe you should just hang back at the white line and see what happens next. At least don't go for it until you have adequate space on the other side of the intersection to fit your entire car. Failure to make it through the light so that you are stuck behind someone in the intersection makes people late for work, school, DUI class and spelling bee championships. God forbid you get your dumb ass stuck in the intersection while receiving oral sex from another man. That's just
embarrassing.

•       Wear your seat-belt. Again with the 2007 reminder. Shit, it's been like 30 years since the bulk of the population realized that if they don't wear their seat-belts, it's bad news. My heart goes out to all of the families who have lost their loved ones in car wrecks, I'm not trying to make this a joke. If you don't wear your seat-belt you shouldn't be in the car. Go read some statistics about death rates in crashes with and without seat-belts. It speaks for itself. I don't know why I put this in here, it doesn't have anything to do with road rage. Maybe it'll balance out my karma for giving Hispanics a hard time a few paragraphs up.

•       When you're getting on the expressway, speed your ass up. It's no secret that cars go FAST on the interstate, expressway, whatever you want to call it. So, when you're getting on the entrance ramp to the EXPRESSway maybe you should go faster than 40. It is dangerous to drivers already on the expressway who have to change lanes when they see you trying to merge off of the ramp doing 50. It is also dangerous to you. This goes the same for getting off the exit ramp. Slow down on the exit ramp, speed up on the entrance ramp. It's not an IQ test, it's
a road. Hopefully I've helped some people figure this problem out.

•       When on the expressway, do not just CRUISE past the entrance ramp. Remember, it's the entrance ramp. People are entering on it. Which means get the fuck out of the way so they can get shit done. Why would anyone just be strolling along past the entrance ramp when there are obviously multiple cars right next to them trying to merge into THEIR lane? Sometimes I can't even fathom people's stupidity.

•       On the road, left means fast. That means, that if you're on the expressway in the left lane "hanging out" you need to change your flight plan. There's always someone who's going to go faster than you. I don't care if you're Ricky Vin Diesel Bobby, do not ride the left lane when there are people behind you. Especially when you're just going the speed limit or around 5 over. The left lane is for passing only. Pass the car, or group of cars you need to pass, and then get back over. If you didn't know, you'll get pulled over in the left lane for going 10 over, before you'd get pulled over in the right or middle lanes for going 15 over. Why? Because, A. You're stupid, and D. Cops know that people in the left lane are more likely to speed.

•      If your car stalls, pull as far away from the road as you can. I couldn't believe it, but a few months ago I was driving on the expressway Southbound when I looked across the median and noticed someone who was heading Northbound but had stalled. "Big deal Cody, it happens all the time." I know it does, but usually people pull over when it happens. Like... say your car starts smoking, or your gas light is on, or you have a flat tire. Make your way to the RIGHT side of the road. Near the EMERGENCY lane. Why is it called the EMERGENCY lane? Because it's for fucking emergencies. Anyway, I look over and this woman had stalled out in the center of FIVE lanes. Yeah, five fucking lanes, and she was right in the middle. Now that sucks as it is... and you would probably call 911, turn on your emergency lights and just wait right? Not her, she was gonna fix her car! I swear, this character was OUTSIDE of her car, kneeling down by the back tire in the middle of 70 mph traffic. You might ask if she was wearing a protective mechanized suit from the future. And the answer is no she wasn't. She had on clothing, not "car-deflective" clothing, just plain old clothing. I mean are you fucking kidding me? You're squatting down looking at your tire inches away from speeding cars? I shit my pants when I saw this. Literally. I had to get off at the next exit, turn around and go home to change. Someone like that
almost deserves to get blasted by a fast moving car. I wouldn't want them to die, just get hurt really really bad so they learn their lesson. Or, we could round up people that stupid and heard them into a fenced off area like sheep. That way they wouldn't affect smart, normal people's lives with their brainless stunts. That's what that was, a stunt. But with no paramedics on the scene to help the idiot.

•      Speaking of sheep, or more like sheeple; if you see a wreck on the side of the road, or a bunny rabbit, or a tree, or anything else that catches your attention, do not just slow down and look at it. When you slow down, all of the sheep behind you slow down and viola! A traffic jam! Then, people like 10 miles back finally catch up and the bunny rabbit hopped off, or the wreck was cleared and everyone's like "What the fuck?! There wasn't even anything here! All of a sudden the traffic just picked up and now I'm late for my wedding! Shit!!!" Now that you read this, you feel like a dipshit. You never knew you were one, but now the truth is out. Next time some lady spills her coffee all over herself and has to pull off to the right, don't slow down and and gawk at her unless she had to take her blouse off and she has huge fake naked breasts all in your face wet from the coffee. That's probably the only exception  you could ever come across.

•       Don't fly through a residential area or a school zone like a bat out of hell. You'd feel like a sack of shit if you hit some poor kid or a dog. Then, not only is your new 350z dented up, but you've just landed yourself in prison for a long career of male on male sex. It's not worth it, go slow, avoid the ticket, and keep your butthole and kids safe. Squirrels too. Tons of squirrels get killed all the time but I'm not sure if speed is a factor. I think a squirrel would get killed by a Segway. Either way, slow the fuck down in these areas.

•       Drinking and driving... obviously it was coming. I'm no different from anybody who's out at a bar and really really feels like they can drive. I mean it happens to everyone. Probably half of my friends have had DUIs and I've been pulled over for it myself, although somehow I foiled the breathalyzer. The point is, and I don't even have to write about this -- but it is dangerous and it does kill. No jokes here either, wait it out or call a friend. It's only like a $100 to get your car towed. It's what... around $3000 for a DUI? Not a hard choice -- but when you're drunk it can be. Buy "The Club" and make your friend put it on your steering wheel and then have he/she leave with the key. That's a cruel little joke to play on a drunk person, keep it in mind.

•       Do not pull out in front of someone who is obviously going faster than you will be. It happens all the time. I'll be coming down a hill and some fucker is waiting at the bottom to go the same way I'm going. I say to myself, "This idiot's going to pull out in front of me." And they do. Right when I predict it. Then I have to hit the brakes while they accelerate their 7 ton Buick for the next 400 feet just to reach 40 mph. If you are trying to turn onto a street and you see cars coming, make sure you can reach the same speed they're going before they have to hit the brakes. All this does is inconvenience other people. Consider yourself especially stupid if you turn in front of someone and there is no one behind them. Couldn't you have waited until they went by? People that do this should have yield signs tattooed on their foreheads to remind them of how inconsiderate and impatient they are.

•      When the light changes, make it happen. There's always the person at the front of the line who resembles a sleeping lamb when the light turns green. This is another one of those moments when it's just too hard for people to understand what needs to be done. Pay attention; if you are at the front of the line waiting for a light to turn green, and it does.... you hit the gas to propel yourself through the intersection. It's the one on the right. The sooner you get this show on the road, more people behind you will get through the light. Therefore, more people aren't stuck at a light because some dumbass isn't trying to text message her friend about how many penises she can fit in her mouth. Don't think you're the only one on the road, there are other people who need to be places. Be aware of that next time you drive.

I guess that about does it. I'll be driving tomorrow and think of something else, but for now I'm too angry to write anymore.

Remember: Kids in the back seat, and buckle up!