The now "Infamous Potatoes Au Gratin Incident" of 1989

Our story takes place on Christmas Eve, 1989. James "Zeeb" Richardson
had just turned 4 years old and was thrilled beyond belief about the upcoming
holiday.His parents had promised him at least three presents this year. He had
been a good boy, only being caught masturbating once or twice. Mrs. Richardson
was busy in the kitchen cooking a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner, including such
mouth watering items as Sheppard’s pie, Hungarian Beef Goulash, Pickled Trout
and her world famous Potatoes Au Gratin. It was about 8:30 and dinner was almost
ready. Zeeb had just polished off his 4th can of Pepsi and was on a crazy sugar
high. In his heightened state of arousal he had stripped down to only his
underwear, a sweet pair of Super Mario Bros. tighty-whities, which were his
favorites. He was sitting in the living room playing an epic game of pogs with
his older brother Matt. Zeeb had never won a pog match against his older, yet
not quite as handsome sibling. He was determined to change that statistic this
evening. It was a heated battle, raging back and forth for hours. All of a
sudden his brother pulled out his brand new slammer he had just purchased at the
local swap meet. With all his might he slammed the stack of pogs, turning them
all over. That meant he had just won what was left of Zeeb’s collection. Zeeb’s
eyes started to well up with tears as his bro threw his arms into the air in
triumph. There was nothing left for Zeeb to do, so he did the only thing he
could think of. He hauled back and slapped the living shit out of his brother’s
pompous and arrogant face. Even as the spittle was flying from Matt’s mouth,
Zeeb was up and running. Before he could get two steps, Matt grabbed the
waistband of the undies. The ensuing rip was heard throughout the Richardson
residence. As the underwear came free, a pair of milky white, slender hips were
revealed. The chase was on. Picture this. Matt, being 8 years old and of normal
size, chasing a nude Zeeb who was already a strapping 5’8" and 125
lbs. Zeeb knew only one person could save him at this point. “Mommmmmmy!!!”
came the blood curdling cry from his pale lips. Zeeb flew into the kitchen with
the speed of an Olympic sprinter.

*WARNING* THOSE WITH WEAK STOMACHS STOP READING HERE *WARNING*

Just as he was entering the room, his mother was lowering the oven door
to check the progress of the Potatoes Au Gratin. The oven was heated to a
blistering 600 degrees. Now Zeeb, being completely naked and scared for his
life, did not notice this. He was only trying to make it to the comfort of his
mother’s arms. His mother also didn’t realize the urgency at which he was trying
to get to her. At the exact moment she was shutting the oven door, Zeeb leapt
into the air. At the apex of his jump, Matt shoved him. Zeeb’s penis was caught
in the door of the oven, slicing clean off, and falling directly into the
Potatoes Au Gratin. The oven door was so hot, that on the moment of impact, it
cauterized his member instantaneously, not a drop of blood was spilled. As Zeeb
looked down and saw a burnt stump where his former best friend had only been
moments before, all hell broke loose. The scream that erupted from deep down in
Zeeb rivaled that of ancient battle cries on the fields of yore. His mother,
realizing that not only were her potatoes ruined, but that she might also never
become a grandmother, fainted. Matt’s uncontrollable laughter could not be
contained, until Mr. Richardson caught him upside the head with his 40 oz.
bottle of Olde English. At this point, no one was able to do anything. Zeeb was
going into shock, both his mom and brother were unconscious, and his father was
shouting at Jesus. After a few crucial minutes, 911 was finally called. Zeeb and
his severed penis were rushed to nearby Northside hospital. Zeeb in an
ambulance, his shriveled wang in an ice filled ziploc bag. His parents raced
there to meet him in their 1981 Chrysler station wagon, complete with faux wood
paneling. While speeding after their injured son a police chase ensued that
rivaled OJ Simpson’s. Zeeb was rushed into surgery immediately. At the same
time, his father was treated for third degree burns resulting from plunging his
hand heroically into the Potatoes Au Gratin to retrieve Zeeb’s dick. His mother
was given a CAT scan due to her concussion from fainting and hitting her head on
the kitchen sink, and his brother had 14 stitches and glass removed from his
scalp. (In all their medical bills totaled 1.3 million dollars, which they are
still paying off to this day.) After a brutal fourteen hours in surgery, Zeeb
was out of the ER. The doctors had to take a skin graft from his left buttock
and arteries from his pinky toe, as they were a perfect size match. Recovery was
a long and arduous process. They installed a catheter to help him urinate, which
to this day he still needs. Zeeb also wasn’t able to attain full hardness in his
erection until only a few short months ago. In the fall of 1991, the TV show
"Rescue 911!" came to interview Zeeb and his family to do a possible re-
enactment of their harrowing experience. Contracts were written up, and in
December of '91, on the two year anniversary of the accident, FOX broadcast the
show. It was a ratings success, starring a then unknown Macaulay Culkin as Zeeb.
Try to find it on YouTube. Today Zeeb is a mild mannered 21 year old who still
lives with his parents. He enjoys paintball, ice hockey, and designing websites.
His penis is fully healed, although he does visit a physical therapist a few
times a year. If you don’t believe this story, just ask Zeeb. He will gladly
whip it out and show you the scars.

Editor's note: Although this is a true story, it did not happen to Zeeb
Richardson. It actually took place in 1978 in Tupelo, Mississippi. I interviewed
the young man who lived through this ordeal, and changed names and dates to
protect the innocent. So if you do see Zeeb, it's ok to laugh at him. Just
remember that his penis is indeed intact, and he will unleash it with fury.

-Giovanni