Public Urination

THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS!!!

I got a ticket for Public Urination. Yeah it's fucking ridiculous.

This is what the ticket says:

On 03/11/07 at 12:10 AM in the City of Atlanta, Fulton County the
above accused did commit the offense(s) of: Urinating in
Public.

against section: 106 130

In that the accused did: Urinate in stairwell at Eatzies and
Coldwell Bank a public building. "I couldn't hold it anymore."

It actually says, "I couldn't hold it anymore." on the ticket. Pretty
funny.

Here's what happened:

Zeeb and I decide to hang out and go downtown. For some reason it was
just us, our friends are scared of anything inside The Perimeter. But
that's neither here nor there. We thought it was a good idea to play
"Edward 40 Hands" which is where you get two 40 oz. beers and tape
them to your hands. In this case, "Cody 40 Hands." This of course,
renders your hands useless for doing anything other than drinking
large quantities of beer. So I'm sitting in the passenger seat of
Zeeb's rice burner with my fists full of beer and we head downtown.
The beers are finished right when we get to the Buckhead area and are
discarded out of the window by the driver. Now, we have "Littering"
(which I usually don't condone), "Open Container" and soon to be
"Urinating In Public." We pull into the Sports Authority parking lot
off of Peachtree Road and get out. I see a very suspicious looking
blue van across the parking lot stop, and turn it's lights off. Now
let me tell you that this thing is fucking ugly. The van is dark blue
with a hood that is so obviously scratched up it must have been
impounded. Literally my first thought was, Damn, I bet those are cops
trying to pass that van off as some sort of shithole ghetto cruiser.
The van is not in a parking spot, it's kind of "pointed" at me like
the driver is about to run me down, or a drive-by shooting is about to
occur. So now I know it's one of two things, A. it's black guys about
to shoot at a lot of people with semi-automatic weapons, or B. It's
ass hat cops who think they're fooling people. However, neither of
these scenarios change my mind about taking a piss because I assume
that if they are cops, they are there for some important reason like,
hmm... saving a girl from rape, staking out a drug deal, stopping a
fight, or looking out for something else of relative worth. So... I
should be in the clear if I just want to piss right? I mean, they know
how it is--it's not like cops never drink beer. I also reason that if
it's a bunch of G'd out gang members I'll be safer in a stairwell than
in a wide open parking lot. I head toward the stairwell of the old
Eatzies building which closed down. Being that it is not in business I
didn't think people would mind if I passed a little beer on their
stairs. Turns out there's also a furniture store that uses the stairs,
as well as "Coldwell Bank," according to Officer Policeman. Since Zeeb
hadn't consumed any 40's yet he goes to wait by the sidewalk. I walk
up one flight of the stairs, stop at the landing, pull it out and get
things flowing. It was a solid flow too, really satisfying. I'm
halfway through my urination sequence when I get a call. "Dude, those
were cops in that van, you better hurry up." Now this is the part that
I'm the most angry about; I had to cut it off (not my penis, the
flow.) before I could successfully finish the deed. I zip up and walk
back down the stairs. The Undercover Urination Surveillance Unit zooms
up right in front of me and stops, trapping me in the stairwell. Like
I was going to flee the scene..... for peeing. (I can see how that
would have turned out, "Yeah dude they knew I pissed and I just
fuckin' bolted. They shot at me a couple times but I got away. It was
a Pee and Flee.") Right. So the van pulls up and two cops jump out
like I'm an illegal immigrant with a gun.

The conversation that followed went something like this:

Fat Cop: "I know you didn't just piss in that stairwell!"
Cody: "Yes sir I did."
Fat Cop: "Well why the hell 'd you do that?!"
Cody: (Bewildered look) "Because I had to pee."
Fat Cop: "You couldn't have walked 250 yards to a bar and pissed
there?!" (He really was yelling the whole time.)
Cody: "Honestly sir, if I could've held it any longer I would have.
I'm not even drunk."
Fat Cop: "We knew you was gonna piss when you did a bee-line for them
bushes. Give me your license." (As he gets on his radio and reports
that he's caught someone urinating in public the rookie cop stands
there looking like he just found out that he's gay.)
Cody: "I'm really sorry guys."
Fat Cop: "Yeah? Well we've had a lot of reports of peeing around here
and it's vandalizing these buildings."
Cody: "Ah okay, didn't realize it was such a problem around here."
Fat Cop: "Well it is. And we've got more important shit to deal with.
Step to the other side of the car, I don't like people standing by
me."
Cody: "You got it."
Fat Cop: "Now the only reason I'm not taking you to jail is because
you were straight with me. If you would've told me it wasn't your piss
I would've called the squad out here to bring a thermometer, which
they would put in the piss and check for body temperature. If it
turned out to be yours, you'd be in fucking handcuffs. Got that?"
Cody: "Yep. How much is this ticket going to be? Can I mail it in?"
Fat Cop: "I don't know. Call and ask."

He hands me my ticket and my license and we walk off. Zeeb and I
immediately call people and start laughing because the situation is
just ridiculous. We walk into "Hole In The Wall" and hear one bouncer
say to another, "Did you hear, they got another public urinator." I
pull out my ticket, "Dude it was me, I'm out of control." The bouncer
stamps my hand and tells me to watch out because cops are cracking
down on public pissing. Good to know. We ended up meeting friends and
having a good time, deciding that showing up in court for something so
stupid would be pretty awesome.

Moral - Cars that look "too" beat up are undercover vehicles looking
for exposed penises in the night. Guard them with your life.

I would also like to announce that we're starting a club, The P.U.A.A.
- Public Urination Association of America. Membership is free, just
send us a picture of you or your friends peeing somewhere in public
and you're in. We'll throw the picture up on the site and you'll be
famous. (No frontal nudity though guys, just a defiant side-view. See
mine.)

-Cody

I'll go first, this is actually the very same stairwell a couple weeks
before, funny I just happened to have a picture: