Scavenger Hunt

The Scavenger Hunt, 2/9/2007

Last Friday I took part in the 3rd annual "ITP" (Gay for, Inside the Perimeter. Meaning the perimeter of Atlanta, made by I-285.) Scavenger Hunt thrown by my main man Dave. Now I didn't attend the first two hunts, for various reasons.. but I've heard there was much merrymaking. This one is said to be the hardest yet, and I believe it was.

This particular hunt consisted of 40 different missions for each team. Instead of finding items, there were tasks chosen for the teams to do. There were 3 teams in all, each with 4-6 players. There was a $10.00 entry fee, the pot to go to the winning team, or to help bail someone out of jail should things get out of hand. Thankfully that never happened, although it definitely could have. Each team member was assigned a fucking ridiculous costume to wear, and everyone came through. The tasks were to be documented by taking pictures or videos of them in progress, so every team had to have at least one camera.

We arrived in Kennessaw at Dave's apartment at around 11:45, with the hunt set to start at Noon and end at 7:00 that evening. Upon entering the apartment I immediately start to laugh as I see all of the different outfits. The list of costumes is as follows:

- Gay Fireman (played by a male)

- Lumberjack (played by Richie)

- Borat (played by a male)

- Satan (played by a male)

- Old School Rapper (played by a white male)

- Batman (played by a male)

- School Girl (played by a male)

- Darth Vader (played by Cody)

- Luigi (played by Dave)

- Mario (played by a female)

- Fairy (played by Giovanni)

- Robot (played by Jamin)

- Viking (played by a female)

- Chuck Norris (played by Ryan)

- Ninja (played by a female)

- Princess (played by a male)

My team was composed of: Giovanni, Ryan, Richie and Jamin. So that's, 1 Darth Vader, 1 Chuck Norris, 1 Robot, 1 Lumberjack and a Fairy. All Star cast if you ask me.

While Giovanni was changing into his Fairy costume, he thought it would be funny to roll up a tank top and stick it in his underwear creating the illusion of a massive side pipe. It worked quite well and all were astonished at his artificial length and girth. I thought it was so funny I tried to copy him, but couldn't find anything to stuff my tights with except a kitchen towel. It ended up being a bit too authentic, which only made me look like a sex offender... but I rocked it nonetheless. Other costumes were coming along great as well: Ryan was really starting to look like Chuck Norris when he applied spray paint to his thin beard, and Jamin's Robot costume was the best there. He created it by covering an old pair of jeans and a sweatshirt with 2 rolls of duct tape. He then used the tape to attach a broiling pan to his chest, and wire the insides of it with small blue lights and a battery pack. So now his chest was a fake control panel and his body was silver. The lights on his chest actually worked, which was impressive. Jamin took some toy "Hulk" gloves which were green of course, and spray painted them silver. He bought a "NASA" hat at Party City and spray painted that as well. When the entire costume was finished he looked like he had just walked off the set of an 80's children's movie. Our team was ready, along with all of the others so we set out.

As we were driving out of the complex we decided to complete a task right then and there. Even though we were still "OTP" (Yuppie for, Outside the Perimeter.) it was just too convenient to pass up. Ryan jumped out of Giovanni's Explorer and ran about 30 feet away to get a wide view with the camera. Richie got out and climbed onto the roof of the SUV. Giovanni hit the gas and we started down hill until the Lumberjack was catapulted off the roof toward the first bush we passed. One down, 39 to go.

We left Kennessaw and got on I-75 SB toward Atlanta. Once inside the perimeter we started thinking about which feat to attempt next. We ended up downtown at "World of Coke" which was a destination on the list. So we all get out for the first time to be in actual public with our costumes. Immediately a homeless dude looks at us and asks if it's Halloween. "No, not for a couple months." we tell him and he asks if we want to buy flowers. We didn't buy any. So the team runs across the street stopping traffic in both directions and receives baffled looks from motorists. We run down to the square and can hear laughter all around. Giovanni gets spotted by a gay homeless man and is hit on. I made sure our Fairy didn't go home with him and we proceeded. We made a pyramid by stacking ourselves on top of one another and got a police officer to take the picture. Then we take a picture with him while a black guy yells out, "Look it Dark Vada! It Dark Vada!" Two more down. We turn to run back to the car and get stopped by some adolescent girls who are obviously cock-shopping, and have found one they want. Once again a lewd comment is made toward the Italian and a picture is taken. We leave the World of Coke and head toward Piedmont Park. Now by this time it has to be around 30 degrees making Giovanni and I shiver in our thin polyester leggings. We get to the park and notice no one is there. Maybe because it was so cold and starting to rain. We completed our 4th task by holding hands in the park and left. Our next stop was Centennial Olympic Park where a team member was to dance in a fountain. Jamin completed this by doing "The Robot" which was somehow fitting. We noticed a large number of bums in our parking lot and one approached us at our car saying, "Ya'll crazy, aint got to pay fo' parkin' when you can park on the skreet fo' free." so we tell him not to worry because we aren't paying and ask him for a favor. Richie explains to him the scavenger hunt and how we need to race "someone" in a 40 oz. chugging contest. The guy was cool with it after we convinced him that we weren't cops. We snapped a picture of the short race which the bum dropped out of, and left. Scratch off #4. The next few hours were made up of us basically driving around aimlessly arguing about whether or not to stay in worthless Atlanta, or to hit the less populated areas near the edge of the perimeter. We stayed in Atlanta and battled the traffic toward "Little 5 Points" which was an area a good number of the tasks had to be completed in. One requirement was to take a picture in front of a trendy Left-Wing clothing store called, "Junkman's Daughter." Once we arrived we decided to eat first at a restaurant next door called, "Savage Pizza." While eating, Richie killed a pitcher of beer using a straw in under 30 minutes. Nice job Richie. The highlight of the meal was when our waitress asked us if we were a part of a large scavenger hunt. We told her yes and she continued with, "Yeah I think we saw one of the other teams. One guy was a devil and there was a Mario or something too. They came by and mooned our customers." Hysterical laughter followed. Other than the fact that the restaurant was right next to Junkman's Daughter, what are the chances that another team came by earlier and mooned the very restaurant we picked to eat at? Pretty high I guess. After eating we went next door to take our picture. As we're framing the shot a cop pulls up and gives us the "come here" hand signal. We walk over, he grabs the camera and takes the picture for us, gets back in his car and drives off. Cool guy. Afterward, we drive to the nearest grocer for another endeavor. While walking through the parking lot we were stopped by a car full of inner city Blacks. They comment on Giovanni's package and ask if I'm from Star Trek. We continue walking and hear another, very large dark-skinnned Woman yell "Haaay Kang Dangalang! Come get on this!" After this we started to call our Fairy "King Dingaling" for the remainder of the day. We entered the grocery store and got right to work. All of us but the Robot (who wasn't flexible in his suit) got down on the floor and started doing pushups and sit-ups. After doing 10 each and talking to security and the store manager we left. We head to the nearest "normal" shopping center in Little 5 Points and park in the parking garage. We hammer down 2 twelve-packs and I prepare mentally for the burden that has fallen on me. I am to eat a hot dog out of Giovanni's butt, and I'm all business. I step out of the car as does the hairy fairy. We couldn't find a regular hot dog so we bought a "Smokin' Hot" beef jerky stick that looked like a char-broiled penis. "It's gonna burn my ass dude! Hurry up and do it!" He sticks the hot dog in between his cheeks and bends over. The Tin Man gets the camera ready and I hold my breath. I was determined not to breath at all in the vicinity of Giovanni's man pleaser. I hunch over and take a bite really fast and shoot back up... but because Jamin's a robot his mechanical fingers didn't hit the button fast enough. "Do it again I missed it." He says. "Fuck dude are you kidding me? This thing is scorching my ass." Giovanni complains. "How do you think I feel bro? I'm eating that spicy treat out of your ass! Jamin get ready for another picture." I lean down again and take another bite, this time the dog is shorter so my nose is even closer to the abyss. The Robot looks ashamed, "Damn dude I'm sorry I missed it again!" I'm angry now, "What's wrong with you C3PO?! I can't do it much longer. Look how short that fucking thing is." Meanwhile, Chuck Norris and the Lumberjack are in the car trading chest hair with laughter. Giovanni says nothing. He is in excruciating pain at this point. "Dude I'm going for it, you better get it this time." Jamin gives me the go ahead and I attack the hot dog with all I have left. There are millimeters between my lips and the hair of a grown man's ass. Gays would kill to be in this situation, but I found it terrifying. "I got it." Is all I hear. "About fucking time." Giovanni says as he yanks the meat out of his anus. Now do realize, this chain of events takes a long time to explain, but it all happened in under a minute. I just felt I should emphasize this part of the hunt, as I became a man and Giovanni felt like a woman. We leave the parking garage and head back up to the shopping center. Ryan gets wrapped up in toilet paper and walks around the parking lot like a mummy while Giovanni and Jamin go inside an unfortunate store. The characters proceed to the men's restroom with a can of "Hershey's Milk Chocolate Syrup" and paint the stall with it. On the toilet, the floor, the walls... everywhere. The janitor probably quit upon discovery of the stall. I know I would have. It was getting pretty late at this point and we had lost motivation to finish the hunt. We headed back to Kennessaw and met up with everyone at the apartment. We find out that we didn't get last because the Gay Fireman's team dropped out. Dave's team, however; completed every single duty with flying colors. Even the ones involving naked people.

Crushed, tired and alone, Jamin, Giovanni and I decided to go home. Everyone else went to a huge party and had sex with multiple partners. We all came to the decision that if we embark on another quest of such epic proportions it should happen during the summertime so that no one is hospitalized from the cold. No one was this time, but only by the grace of God.

Here is a verbatim list of the tasks each team was given: (the ones that my team completed are marked off...)

1 Get a bum to race you in a 40 chugging contest (completed)

2 Take a picture with an animal statue (completed)

3 Cross through the train cars on the marta train

4 Take a picture with a varsity employee (completed)

5 Dance in centenial park fountain (completed)

6 Make a team pyramid in front of the world of coke and get a picture (completed)

7 One member of team drink a pitcher of beer through a straw in under 30 mins (completed)

8 Wrap teammate in toilet paper like a mummy and make them walk one block like a mummy (completed)

9 Take a picture with a cop (completed)

10 Moon someone that is eating through a window (completed)

11 Carsurf on roof of car and jump into a bush (completed)

12 Take a picture infront of The Junkmans Daughter (completed)

13 Team must collectively (excluding the driver) drink (2) 12 packs of beer in (1) hour (completed)

14 Advertise fake product infront of a business with a sign

15 Picture with a fat person over 300 pounds

16 Use teammates ass as a hotdog bun and "chow down"(completed)

17 Buy an anal sex DVD

18 Hold hands with a same sex teammate and walk together through piedmont park (completed)

19 Purchase or kidnap small live animal (completed)

20 Get slapped in the face with a fish (completed)

21 Walk down the street with a sign saying "Jesus is coming, look busy."

22 Take a picture of a teammate "pumping" on a statue (completed)

23 Roll down the hill in a trash can

24 Challange random person to a foot race

25 Seran wrap naked teammate and roll them down a hill

26 Pass out (10) flyers for a Michael Bolten concert

27 Get a celebrity look-a-like's autograph (completed)

28 Take a picture on a roof of a building

29 Obtain (2) same sex phone numbers

30 Cover a bathroom with R. Kelly's Doo-Doo Butter (completed)

31 Steal a lawn ornament (must be at least the size of a soccer ball)

32 Go apply for a job at a McDonalds using ebonics (must bring back application)

33 (1) team member must chug a 40 oz of Old English Malt Liquor (completed)

34 Grecco Roman Wrestle in public for a (1) min round

35 Wax (1) teammates ass in a 3X3 square

36 Take a picture of the whole team together (completed)

37 Put a half melted snickers bar in a fountain or pool (completed)

38 Molest a Mailbox (completed)

39 Handcuff teammate to a pole and ask a stranger to watch him while you go into a store

40 (4) team members must do 10 push ups and sit ups in a grocery store's front area where the cash registers are, other person take pictures (completed)