Tips For Chicks

In light of recent events I decided that I should probably write some tips down for girls that lack the necessary skills to be considered "quality wool". Don't take that the wrong way, it's ignorance in most cases that leads girls to do the things they do, not stupidity. Read that again.

So yeah, after hearing countless complaints from friends and from myself about dumb things that girls do, or things that girls should do but don't, I'm writing. So listen up woman, I hope you can comprehend what you read because this shit is important.

1. Shave your vagina. No exceptions. This does not mean that you can "trim" it like you're Edward Fucking Scissorhands. Shave it. With a real razor. Hair tends to harbor bacteria. So getting rid of it will help with any nasty fumes rising up from your hatchet wound. Which brings me to my next tip...

2. Do not smell bad. If there's one thing on this planet that will gross me out more than anything, it's a reeking snatch. I'm serious, if there is ANY kind of stench down there I flip my shit. This is not just me, ALL guys hate this. No questions. If you have a boyfriend, and he says he doesn't care, but you know damn well your vag has an odor then he's a pussy. Period. So what can you do to take care of this? Well I'm not really sure because I don't wash very many vaginas, but if you ask your mom or one of your friends, or your doctor I'm sure that's a good start. My nose says thanks. I mean you'd hate it if some dude threw up on your pelvis because it smelled like a junk yard.

3. Greasy hair is a bad thing. If you're one of those girls that doesn't wash her hair everyday, you need to stop. I'll tell you a fact right now. Girls do this because they heard someone say (probably a homeless woman ) that washing their hair everyday is bad for it. I'll tell you another fact. Guys can't tell if your hair is unhealthy. Guys CAN tell if it looks like you just took a shower at 3 in the afternoon. Sick as shit. If you can't afford shampoo that's another story. Go to the drug store and buy some rubbing alcohol. It's like 79 cents. It might burn a little bit at first... close your eyes harder.

4. Don't smoke. At all. Not even when you're drunk. This is so important. I've dated girls that smoke, so I have put up with it before. But that's beside the point. I won't do it anymore, and if I meet another hot girl that smokes I'll probably just go eat McDonald's. If you smoke and you love it that's great, I'm glad you found a degenerative habit that you enjoy. However, please note these minor side effects:

- Death
- Cancer
- Emphysema
- Bad breath
- Blood Clots
- Wrinkles
- Hair that smells
- A car that smells
- Skin and clothing that smells
- Lost money from buying cigarettes
- All the other shit they put on the cigarette packs

If you disagree call the Surgeon General. Haha.

How dumb can you get? "But I'm addicted!" But shut the fuck up. Honestly. Go ahead, be mad at me. I hope you take offense to this.

4. If you're fat, wear fat girl clothing. Ok, first off, there are two types of fat people: fat people that can help it, and therefore deserve to be harassed, and fat people that can't help it. Those that can't help it suffer from bad genes, or gland disorders etc... So, having said that, if you're a fat chick, (not husky or thick, because that can be hot) do not try to wear skinny girl clothing. It's disgusting. They make clothes small for a reason, and it's not so your big ass can play Johnny Hangout with your jeans. There are plenty of places fat girls can shop. One of them is Lane Bryant. It's a store made especially for big girls. Go there, not Hollister.

5. Do not try to talk shit to guys, or fight guys. You will lose. This is not me being a cave man that hurts women. I've never ever hit a girl, nor would I ever do that. But, some guys do. And they don't just do it for boxing practice. They do it because they're provoked. You know how little kids die at the zoo when they fuck with the lions? It's the same concept. Roughly. The point is, guys are bigger and stronger for a reason, and you shouldn't talk shit to, or try to hit a guy that could have violent tendencies toward girls. This is just common sense. It's like bringing a knife to a gunfight. Think the situation over, and call one of your guy friends. Or... the police.

6. Gangbangs happen for a reason. That's right, Amtrak doesn't just come tumbling into your bedroom for no reason. Girls get themselves in situations like this, because of drunken stupidity, or just plain stoopidness. Here are a couple of gangbang precursors:

- A random white girl with a big ass hanging out with like 3 or more black guys. HAHA. That's so fucking funny. That's like driving past the beach with David Hasselhoff in the car.

- That girl who has "a lot of guy friends". Haha. I wonder how long it's gonna take for those guy friends to realize they already have their Conductor's licenses. (if you didn't get that please exit your internet browser, and ask someone to shit on your face.)

- The stupid slut at the party running around drunk and naked when she doesn't know anyone there. "Let's get in the hot tub!" Note: nakedness isn't really that important in this situation.

- Girl at the club who leaves her drink sitting on the bar, and either turns around to talk to someone, or leaves for a minute. Can you spell G-H-B?

- Girls that work at Hooters. Little fact to go with this one: Hooters is the number one place strip club scouts go to look for new talent. Know where the number one place adult video producers go to look for talent is? So as you can see, Hooters waitressing ultimately leads to gangbangs. I'm just gonna throw some figures around here, but if I had to give you guys a statistic, it would be something like 7 out of 8 Hooters girls will have a train run on them sometime between the ages 18-25. Sorry I had to be the one to tell you.

- Girls that walk alone through bad parts of town. Many don't know this, but homeless people have been known to throw down multiple group sex sessions in the middle of the street. Just something to think about.

- The druggie girl who keeps trying new things. Strung out girls get taken to MARTA quite frequently. Hey -- don't blame me, I don't make the rules.

7. Don't do drugs. I know way too many girls who are way too into drugs. They will make you unattractive and dirty. A little weed every now and then isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about becoming a stoner, or trying really hardcore drugs. So many girls I went to high school with, who were super good-looking are really ugly now because of drugs. They lost their will power to care about what they look like, and got way past skinny. The only guys who like this are the dumb asses you smoke pot with too much... I'm sure you guys will have really productive lives and have a lot of fun at the Phish concerts.

8. Don't become a selfless slut. If your vagina looks like an Arby's sandwich then you should probably just skip this tip and go to the next one. If not, then there's still hope. No guys like the risks involved with hooking up with a tramp, and we certainly don't like roast beef. If I wanted a French Dip with Ajus sauce I'd be at restaurant.

9. Don't wear too much makeup. Most girls who do wear too much, actually look a lot better without any at all. It's a self esteem issue, I understand. But ask yourself if you really feel comfortable carrying the Revlon factory in your purse. If you hug someone wearing a dark shirt and makeup is visible afterwards, you probably have too much on.

10. Don't be a bitch. Odds are, you're not hot enough to be one anyway, only a handful of girls that I know who are ass holes actually have the right to be. Nothing's more of a joke than when I see an unattractive girl acting like she's the hottest thing since Ruben Studdard. If you think you're hot, but often find yourself wondering why no guys respond to your looks, you might not be hot. If you tone down the attitude, it will bring out what looks you do have. I'd date a nice ugly girl over a mean ugly girl. But hopefully that won't have to happen.

11. Do not complain or talk about how drunk you are. That's right. You got yourself into this, so don't complain about it or act surprised. Another thing, do not drink 2 Smirnoff Ice's and tell people how full you are. No shit you're full, that stuff sucks. It's like fucking cake batter the way it expands in your stomach. It also has like a -5% alcohol content level. Six year old Ethiopian kids could sit in a hot tub for 2 hours and drink a whole case of that shit and they MIGHT get a buzz. The same goes for Zima... don't get me started on that trash. As for talking about how drunk you are... "Oh my God, I'm so gone, I had like 3 Zimas and I haven't eaten all day." Yeah, thanks for telling me. I couldn't tell by the drunken stupor stapled to your face.

12. Clean your fingernails and toenails. Please do this, or just get a manicure and pedicure. I can't handle the fact that my nails look better than some girls'. It's not a good thing when someone asks you if you work for a landscaping company because of how your hands or feet look. You're not homeless, why look like it?

13. Actually fucking THINK before you get a tattoo. I read somewhere that 96% of the girls who go to spring break on some white trash beach end up getting a butterfly tattoo. Are you kidding me? That's like joining a slut workers union. We've all heard the line, "Might as well be a bull's eye." and it's true. I know I keep throwing around statistics but it's a fact that if you meet a girl with a tattoo, she's 81% more likely to give a handy on the first night. If the tattoo is on her lower back, add 10% more. That's a 91 PERCENT CHANCE that she's gonna spit game to your penis the very first night you meet her. Now girls, at this point guys no longer see you as a lady, but as a walking blow-up doll with a semen target on your back.